Before the dawn of the written word, ancient Greeks told the tale of the self-besotted Narcissus, eternally gazing upon the reflection of his sweet and comely visage. But imagine what Narcissus could have done with Facebook. Or Buzz Feed. Or Quiz Bone. Then, oh then, might his sweet and beguiling likeness have been reflected back into his own hypnotic eyes by every computer screen and website upon our ever shrinking planet. For when we look into the the abyss of the ubiquitous Facebook Quiz, we see reflected back our inner most natures, our selves, and our souls. Which character from Harry Potter are you? Which Beatle? Or Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader? The list is as endless as Narcissus’s own self love. But as the man from the Underground famously once said: there are some things which a man is afraid to admit… even to himself. With that in mind, The Autumning Empire is both proud and afraid to present 12 Facebook Quizzes that neither you nor Narcissus will ever, ever take. So don’t look too closely into that river of pop culture; you never know where you might fall!
12. Which David Brooks New York Times Op Ed Article Are You?
How about the one that’s poorly written and cites absolutely no facts to support its dominant culture bias? You know. That one.
11. Which STD Are You?
Aw man! I was really hoping for chlamydia! But instead I got non-gonococcal urethritis. Can I take that quiz again?
10. Which State Representative From South Dakota Are You?
Wait. There’s more than one Dakota?
9. Which Shakespeare “Problem Play” Are You?
I’m sorry! Do you have a problem with All’s Well That Ends Well?
8. Which Lame-Ass, Middle Of The Road Liberal Excuse For Barack Obama Are You?
I was shooting for, “He inherited a big mess,” but instead I got, “The job of the president is very, very hard.”
7. Which Broken New Year’s Resolution Are You?
Wait, is it February already? God, I am such a loser. Jesus.
Not happy with Pol Pot, huh? Who did you want? Hitler? Oh my god, you did want Hitler, didn’t you? That is just…I’m sorry. I really have to go back to my cubicle. Now.
5. Which Whit Stillman Movie Are You?
Ok. Who’s Whit Stillman?
How dare you? How dare you? Johnny Depp is an amazing actor! You’re just jealous ’cause he’s hot!
3. Which Joe Biden Article from “The Onion” Are You?
Ah, how about the one where he’s washing the car? I vaguely remember that being less un-funny than the others.
2. Which Edward Albee Play Dwelling In Well Deserved Obscurity Are You?
Did he write anything besides The Zoo Story and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Oh. Right. Seascape. Yeah.
1. Which Woody Allen Movie Are You?
Dude, nobody took my Woody Allen quiz! How come? What’s wrong with Woody Allen? Seriously. Am I missing something?
February 10, 2014