Hello, Mr. Chips! The Autumning Empire’s Back to School Guide for Teachers
Wow! Where did all the time go? Seems like summer just got started, and here we are in mid-August! That means it’s not just back to school for students, but for teachers, too! Now, educators, you all know perfectly well that teaching isn’t just a job; it’s a calling! Still, even the most idealistic of our ranks may feel some degree of anxiety as that impending first day approaches. But never fear: The Autumning Empire is here! Let us be your teacher’s assistant with these fifteen indispensable tips to help you prep for the upcoming year:
- Re- watch Dead Poets Society, a heartwarming story of a man who achieves what no other teacher has by getting a group of sensitive, privileged, teenage boys from New England to appreciate Western literature.
- As you sit down to prepare your course material, spend 2 hours cleaning your desk and sharpening your pencils.
- Enjoy a restorative day at the beach. Gaze at the calming waves. Remember that at any minute melting polar ice caps could create a devastating tsunami that’ll wash you and your loved ones out to sea.
- Move to Albuquerque and start cooking meth to help pay for your chemo.
- You know that novel that you’ haven’t been writing all summer? Well start writing it. Now.
- Become critically injured in a parachuting accident; then have Oscar Goldman’s crack surgery team at the OSI bring you back to life through the miracle of prosthetic bionics.
- Remember that there is no higher calling than giving young people the skills they need to pass a standardized state test.
- Relax. Nah. Just kidding. I had you there for a second, though, didn’t I?
- Make a list of professions that pay better than teaching and require far less education.
- Remember The Alamo. Just be careful how you teach it in Arizona or Texas. Seriously. Consider yourself warned.
- Follow Jack Black’s example in School of Rock by using students to form a band in which you are the wacky, irreverent front man. That’s really what the students are there for, anyway, isn’t it? To make you look good?
- Get out your old copy of Led Zeppelin II and crank it. It may not help. But it sure won’t hurt.
- As the anxiety of the impending school year causes you to vomit uncontrollably, comfort yourself with the realization that it’s bringing you this much closer to your summer weight loss goal.
- Look at your fading 2008 and 2012 campaign bumper stickers; bitterly realize that your life as an underpaid, overworked professional educator under President Obama is no better than it was under President Bush.
August 14, 2013
Disclaimer: this Autumning Empire post is a piece of satire. We neither condone nor recommend the manufacture or consumption of illegal drugs in New Mexico or elsewhere. Similarly, we condemn procrastination, anxiety induced vomiting, and over-rated star vehicles for Robin Williams and Jack Black.
We are, however, dead serious about Zeppelin.