The Autumning Empire

Culture, Politics, Etc.

Archive for the month “August, 2013”

Hello, Mr. Chips! The Autumning Empire’s Back to School Guide for Teachers

Mr. Chips
Wow! Where did all the time go? Seems like summer just got started, and here we are in mid-August! That means it’s not just back to school for students, but for teachers, too! Now, educators, you all know perfectly well that teaching isn’t just a job; it’s a calling! Still, even the most idealistic of our ranks may feel some degree of anxiety as that impending first day approaches. But never fear: The Autumning Empire is here! Let us be your teacher’s assistant with these fifteen indispensable tips to help you prep for the upcoming year:

  1. Re- watch Dead Poets Society, a heartwarming story of a man who achieves what no other teacher has by getting a group of sensitive, privileged, teenage boys from New England to appreciate Western literature.
  2. As you sit down to prepare your course material, spend 2 hours cleaning your desk and sharpening your pencils.
  3. Enjoy a restorative day at the beach. Gaze at the calming waves. Remember that at any minute melting polar ice caps could create a devastating tsunami that’ll wash you and your loved ones out to sea.
  4.  Move to Albuquerque and start cooking meth to help pay for your chemo.Bad
  5. You know that novel that you’ haven’t been writing all summer? Well start writing it. Now.
  6. Become critically injured in a parachuting accident; then have Oscar Goldman’s crack surgery team at the OSI bring you back to life through the miracle of prosthetic bionics.
  7. Remember that there is no higher calling than giving young people the skills they need to pass a standardized state test.
  8. Relax. Nah. Just kidding. I had you there for a second, though, didn’t I?
  9. Make a list of professions that pay better than teaching and require far less education.
  10. Remember The Alamo. Just be careful how you teach it in Arizona or Texas. Seriously. Consider yourself warned.
  11. Follow Jack Black’s example in School of Rock by using students to form a band in which you are the wacky, irreverent front man. That’s really what the students are there for, anyway, isn’t it? To make you look good?Black
  12. Get out your old copy of Led Zeppelin II and crank it. It may not help. But it sure won’t hurt.
  13. As the anxiety of the impending school year causes you to vomit uncontrollably, comfort yourself with the realization that it’s bringing you this much closer to your summer weight loss goal.
  14. Look at your fading 2008 and 2012 campaign bumper stickers; bitterly realize that your life as an underpaid, overworked professional educator under President Obama is no better than it was under President Bush.
  15. Scream.

August 14, 2013 

Disclaimer: this Autumning Empire post is a piece of satire. We neither condone nor recommend the manufacture or consumption of illegal drugs in New Mexico or elsewhere. Similarly, we condemn procrastination, anxiety induced vomiting, and over-rated star vehicles for Robin Williams and Jack Black.

We are, however, dead serious about Zeppelin. 

ZepDude. Those guys were awesome.

Don’t forget to “like” The Autumning Empire on Facebook. You can contact David Berkson at, or @DavidBerkson on Twitter.

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