19 New Year’s Resolutions from The Autumning Empire
According to Business News Daily, as many as 88% of our New Year’s resolutions from last year have already been broken. Why? Unrealistic goals. Successful self-improvement relies upon setting before us that which is attainable. With that in mind, The Autumning Empire presents nineteen New Year’s Resolutions for the year 2013. They’re simple, practical, and above all, obtainable. So come on, 2013! Give us your best shot. We’ve got you licked before you even got started. Wait, you already got started? Well then…
This Year, I Resolve To
- Lose 107 pounds in one month.
- Copyright and patent the letter “J”; levy a surcharge upon every person who uses it in writing or in speech.
- Try to remember the kind of September when life was young, and oh so mellow.
- Before the next hurricane hits, build an arc and fill it with animals – two of every kind.
- Write an wildly popular, crowd pleasing musical based on James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake.
- Take the time to actually read James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake.
- Whoa, now that I’m actually trying to read this book, it looks really hard. Maybe I’ll just make a musical out of Finian’s Rainbow instead.
- Wait…Finian’s Rainbow already is a musical? God damn it!
- Fashion a magnificent golden toilet seat with studs of rubies, diamonds, and pearl.
- Go to the gym religiously for the next four days, then stop for the rest of the year.
- Make more scenes at the dinner table. It’s how my folks brought me up; for my kids, it’s the least I can do.
- Read political columnists who share my point of view, then post their opinions on Facebook.
- Minimize my carbon footprint by making a human sacrifice of all my second cousins once removed. If it’s people who create climate change, then let’s just nip this sucker in the bud.
- I cannot fucking believe that Finian’s Rainbow is already a musical. When did they do that?
- Make lists. Tons and tons of lists. It’s always worked before. Why shouldn’t it work this year?
- Every time I procrastinate, tell myself how important it is to “slow down” and “take care of myself.”
- Follow every rule set down in the Book of Leviticus. Especially the parts about stoning my neighbors. Because if it’s there in the Bible, then you can’t go to jail. Right?
- Clean out the garage. No, just kidding. No fucking way, man. No. Fucking. Way.
- Gain 115 pounds back by the end of March.
Questions? Excellent. Let’s put our noses to that collective grindstone, America. Happy New Year, from The Autumning Empire.
January 1, 2013
Always feel free to post a comment and get a discussion going. Keep your remarks civil, but don’t feel bashful about starting a vigorous and healthy debate.